Today I Learned About Every Material That Was Used In Building the Koln Cathedral. Every. One.

Hallo!

Today I walked on the roof of the largest Cathedral in Germany, so to answer your question: Yes, I am better than you.

We started off the day with German class, where I got to list out every sibling by name, age, and location (not unlike soliciting online sex in the mid-90s) in Deutsch! They are numerous, so I will not do it again; but rest assured, I could.

Next, we got out early to grab lunch before leaving for Koln. I successfully convinced several of the far too skinny and attractive girls (meaning I must destroy them, slowly) to get chocolate croissants with me before leaving (success!). We then got on the train and ended up at the foot of the Cathedral, for which I have no words.

Oh wait, I have two: HOLY SHIT.
This thing is massive. Like Death Star massive. Like it's worthy of really over-played jokes (Your cathedral's so big... How big is it?!) massive. It's huge and dark and gorgeous and I'm pretty sure I saw some hot oil being poured over some Visigoths trying to storm (or maybe sack) it. There are statues of saints and prophets and gargoyles and soccer players (I'm not making that one up) perched all around its inside and outside columns; the inner chamber resembles a massive rib cage with a bright gold heart in the center making you feel as though you've been swallowed by God. The windows are these glowing portraits of saints and patrons and scenes from the New Testament (and also, I believe, from the Broadway musical, Jesus Christ, Superstar)...and then we saw the bones.

The bones of the Magi, no big deal. They're all just chillin' behind the altar. "Oh hey, it's just us, the three WISE men back here, don't mind our gold tomb. Oh what's that? You can't see the rest of the assembly from here? Well you can SUCK IT, choir boys, we're the motherfucking Magi."

So after walking around for a little bit, we met up with the Greek Mary Poppins, also known as Partheena. She was wearing a pink knit hat, magenta galoshes, and an empire waist button-down coat that sorta looked like it belonged to an adorable chimney sweep. We ran after her across the city where she enthusiastically gave us one of the best tours I think I will ever encounter. She bounced jauntily through the rain, and just when I thought she couldn't get any cuter or more magical, she whipped out her cotton-candy pink umbrella that was shaped like a Hershey's kiss. She then pulled a lamp out of her purse. She showed us all of the disembodied asses hanging around the city (that one's not a joke; Koln is a huge sucker for fart jokes, so when you look up at the beautiful buildings you can be sure to find a nice full moon staring right back) and we found a cafe called "Extra Blatt" which told me two things: one, we are famous in Germany, and two, we have another sibling running around who seems to be leaving me clues. More on this later.

Soon Greek Poppins left us (I was heartbroken, but apparently all I need is a strong wind to blow her onto my street if I ever want another tour), and we were headed up to the top of the cathedral. We got into a service elevator and took it up into the original tower and climbed a spiral staircase to reach a circular perch from which we could see several cities. No camera in hand, I just sneaked into everyone else's pictures; they didn't know what hit them. Soon we descended into the rafters of the tower and got to see the construction materials and some of the original statues that have been removed or replaced from the building. She also told us about every measurement and every material that has ever touched the cathedral and in what year it was used for about an hour. It was as interesting as it sounds.**

Then we walked around the balcony that borders the entire inside of the cathedral and were able to see everything from an unparalleled point of view. I could try to describe it, but it would be an insult to how incredible it actually was.

Finally we headed back to Bonn, and I ate dinner with my lovely hosts before coming to sit down at my computer (which blew up again last night, hoorah!) and write to you fine people.

Later I decided I would marry a jar of Nutella if it were legal. I'll look into it.
For now, I am tired, and looking forward to seeing what happens at the inauguration tomorrow! **Spoiler Alert: A really hot black guy becomes president! He makes history! We all joyfully weep for Democracy!**

Ciao!

**This is not a fair assessment. I was freezing and wanted more to see and learn about the statues and various tombs around the altar than a glorified stone attic; instead we heard about 650 years of construction materials. You judge.